Tactical Voting Tarts Of The World Unite!

Along with two other innocent young girls of this parish I was described earlier today as a ‘tactical voting tart.’

We were hanging around the Union bar as usual when a middle-aged man who is a known persistent and vexatious botherer of young women like us uttered the words. We should have been shocked but he’s done this sort of thing before.

Alas, it was a virtual bar and no alcohol was in sight. Brian – I won’t do a full name-and-shame – is very ann0ying but he’s not vicious or abusive, more just a bit daft*. That’s not a nice thing to say but if he calls me a tart I feel entitled to respond. He fires off frequent salvos to Scotland from his winter quarters in Spain, where his SNP twibbon probably bemuses the locals as much as his words bemuse me.

I call him daft because his grasp of argument and language, including metaphor, is not of the best.

Of course his interest as far as we know is not sexual, and in my case if it is he’s going to be gravely disappointed.

His inept metaphor – sorry, I’m going to have to spell this out – implies that just as a prostitute sells his or her services to the highest bidder, so unionists who vote tactically in the forthcoming general election are selling their ballots to the passing punter with the biggest wallet.

I’m trying hard to get my head around this and wondering if using my imagination could help.

Who should I pick up in May? How should I entice them?

Psst, Dave, you’re a classy guy. Hire me for the day, you know you need me, you great hunk.

Mmm Ed, that’s a cute name. How’d you like a taste of my little red … vote?

Nick, lonely boy. I could make you so happy. It’ll only take a few minutes. I’m ever so discreet and we could do it in that booth over there.

No, it doesn’t make sense does it?

It doesn’t make sense because Brian’s metaphor is fundamentally flawed.

Tactical voting isn’t about selling yourself to the highest, or any, bidder. It’s about making a rational choice to defeat the candidate of a party, the SNP, who want to break our country up; very different, and more principled, than many motives people probably have for voting X, Y or Z.

If you want to know about a true political tart, have a look at the SNP and their serial promiscuity. Even worse, they’re in the pimping game too, asking me to ‘lend’ them my vote in May (see tactical voting link above). Cheeky!

References to sex must be in the air because if you want to see something that really annoys nationalists, check out the wonderful Steve Bell’s cartoon in The Guardian today. Lots of humourless people are getting very upset about it, just as they did with the burning of Alex Salmond last November on the Lewes bonfire. This time it’s the use of the word ‘incest’ that’s making them cross. Probably 1% will get the allusion.

And if like me you’re not thirled to one political party, do the honourable thing in May, vote tactically to minimise the SNP presence at Westminster.

Thanks for the inspiration Brian, you naughty boy.

* – 10 March: I’ve just reviewed ‘Brian’s’ Twitter timeline and revised my opinion. He’s actually quite nasty. 

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